Processing

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 10:34pm

So, I'm still trying to process this news. My brain knows what is about to happen; or maybe it's my heart. I'm not sure... they both are a little tangled up right now. I don't know if it just hasn't fully sunk in yet, or if I'm just going to keep this brave face until the afternoon of March 1st; only then letting down my guard to allow myself to cry.

Why would I cry? Relief, mostly. I know it's going to be okay. But still, it's a very scary thought.

I found out today that my 15 year old daughter, Josee, will be needing back surgery. She has very severe scoliosis and the doctor didn't even hesitate when he saw her x-rays.

"Her curve is 63 degrees. Back braces are only effective at halting the progression, not fixing the curvature. And even then, they are only moderately effective for curvatures of about 20 degrees to 40 degrees. She's going to need surgery."

The blood drained from my face. I exhaled and said, "I was afraid you were going to say that."

I too, have scoliosis. Mine is located in my lower back and at last measurement was some 46 degrees off. But lower back scoliosis and middle/upper back scoliosis are two different creatures entirely.

Prior to the good doctor coming into the exam room, we had been sitting there together. I recalled the dozens, perhaps hundreds of trips I took to see my own specialist when I was Josee's age. Each week I'd go in for another set of x-rays and each week he'd hem and haw and say, "You're just so active, I'm going to hold off putting you in a brace." When I finally turned 18 he released me from his care. Back then, there was some peripheral talk of back surgery. I was not opposed to the idea while my mother would bristle and balk. "Nobody is going to cut MY baby's back open... not if *I* have anything to say about it!" she used to announce to anyone that would listen.

But this is different. This is not an option. Josee MUST have the surgery. It's just that I wasn't expecting it. At least, I wasn't expecting it until I saw the x-rays for the first time. The second I saw them, and saw what exactly was going on with her spine and ribs, and how that must be affecting her internal organs and surrounding muscles, I knew that surgery would be a distinct possibility.

But that still didn't stop the blood from draining from my face.

Things are happening way too fast. She is scheduled for an MRI tomorrow. She will go in and give blood twice before surgery, in the event that she needs a transfusion, and everything is set up save the parent consult meeting. Surgery is scheduled for March 1st.

She's doing great, by the way. She's a real trooper. She's always been my hero, and she continues to be today.

So yeah, I'm putting on a brave face now because I'm Mom and that's what moms do. But don't bet the farm that I won't break down and cry the afternoon of March 1st when the doctor emerges from the six hour surgery to tell us that everything went great and she's in recovery.