Dear Grocery Store Customer

Dear Grocery Store Customer,

Thank you for your patronage. Your business truly is appreciated, as it pays my salary. I promise to provide you with courteous, prompt and cheerful customer service. In return, please allow me to outline a few helpful hints that you, the customer, can do to help move the process along:

1. There is something in our Checker World called "IPMs." This is "Items Per Minute" or to put it more plainly, The Management keeps track of how quickly we check you out from the time we ring up your first item until we hit the "Enter" button and hand you your receipt. If YOU cause a delay of some sort ("Oh, I forgot the milk. Can I just run back real quick and get it?") then our IPMs drop. A lot. And it also holds up everyone else in line and generally pisses them off. And face it, are we really going to tell you no, you CAN'T go get that item you forgot, since it will only, "Take a second" to get? No, we will not.

2. Do not stand at the end of the belt and place your groceries, one by one, to travel the lonely mile all the way to me. The belt is not a carnival ride nor do the groceries derive any pleasure from having to travel ALLLLLL the way down from one end to the other. The grocery police will not arrest you if you stand in the MIDDLE of the belt and load your groceries. Trust me, things go MUCH quicker, and I will be less cranky on the inside if I can just buzz through your items, rather than watching my IPMs drop like a lead weight in water.

3. Do not get upset or impatient with me if I hold the belt until you've finished unloading your cart (or at the very least, sufficiently filled up the belt). Trust me. I can probably check your items faster than you can put them on the belt. Please see points 1 and 2 for my reasoning on this.

4. There is no need to organize your groceries alphabetically, stack them like little miniature castles or create beautiful origami with them. All your hard work will only be undone when I pick them up (randomly) and run them across the scanner. There is also no need to tell us to "keep the cold items together." I PROMISE, we will straighten it all out on the other side and bag your groceries professionally and properly.

5. My greeting to you is obligatory, and we both know it. This is not, however, any reason to be pissy with me. I am simply doing my job when I greet you with a genuine smile, ask if you found everything okay, and offer you the sale item of the week. I have no frickin' idea if you've shopped here a million years and know this store better than I do, or if you are from another city and had trouble finding the sugar-free cookies.

6. When you cannot find said sugar-free cookies, and I offer to send someone to get them for you, don't get all bitchy with me and insist we don't carry them anymore. I just saw the damn things yesterday on our shelves and know for a fact that we do still carry them. If I'm uncertain, I'll say so, and call a manager to find out for sure.

7. There are these wonderful little inventions called "Dividers." We provide them for your use to place between orders. This is so I know when your order ends and the next order begins. I am not a fucking mind-reader. Use the fucking divider. Thank you.

8. If you insist on bringing your children with you to the store, for christssake, do NOT let them bag the groceries. We also have goals to place X number of items in each bag, and to use the smaller bags when necessary. I guarantee you, your 8 year old has no fucking idea how to bag groceries.

9. On that same note: If you insist on raising a brat, please have the decency to at least watch them. I do not appreciate ringing up your order AND the order of the person behind me because YOUR little angel decided to remove the divider. And no, it's not my job to watch and make sure the divider doesn't get moved. I'm busy. Get off the damned cell phone and be a parent for once.

10. If you are in the check-out stand directly behind me, please be mindful of my personal space and keep out of it. I have a tiny little area to work in and I don't need your fat ass backing into mine.

11. There are times where we are short-handed and don't have enough baggers to help bag groceries. There are also times we are incredibly busy, and all said baggers are out helping other customers put their groceries in their respective vehicles. In the event this happens while I'm checking out your $400-plus basket(s) of groceries, would you please be so kind as to quit staring at me and help me bag some of your own shit? And if this act is beneath you, that is more than okay. At the very least, pick up the bags I've already filled and put them in your goddam basket already. I don't have a lot of room at the low side of the register and it truly is appreciated when you help out.

12. Do not give me your nasty, sticky coins or bills that have milk, juice and god-knows-what-else on them. I don't want them.

13. Do not lie to me about the price of something. Do not get impatient with me when I have to do a price check. You will be found out if you lie and I HAVE to do the damn price check. I've been burned too many times by schmucks insisting the price is such-and-such. Management frowns on the loss of dollars after the third time in a week I get taken.

14. Do NOT give me your religious pamphlets, stickers, bookmarks, etc. While some checkers in this hell they call the Bible-Belt may appreciate your gifts and get all warm and fuzzy, not everyone here is a Christian and I don't care how you slice it, it is considered proselytizing. Besides, I just throw it away when you're gone. You're welcome.

15. When you want cash back from a transaction, fucking - LISTEN - TO - ME - when I give you instructions on how to get your damn cash. Don't get mad at ME and storm out, forgetting your ice along the way, just because YOU couldn't follow directions.

16. Men, for the love of god and all that is holy, please cut your nasty, gross fingernails.

17. Please forgive me if I don't remember your face or name the first few times you go through my line. I know we live in a small town, but there are still a lot of names and faces to learn.

18. To those of you who are cheerful, pleasant, helpful and just plain nice: Thank you. I love each of you. For those of you that actually carry on a conversation with me, THANK YOU!! You not only make my job easier, but make me look good in front of the boss. For those of you who have bad days, but don't take it out on me, thank you. I really will listen to you when you tell me what a shitty day/week/month you're having. I will commiserate with you and feel you pain, sincerely.